Do you feel like your sexual relationship is out of balance?
Maybe your are aware and already visited the Reddit thread the “Dead Bedroom“. Many couples find themselves in this situation, and it can be a difficult one to deal with. You will find many honest touching stories from people who are going through the same thing. You can also share your own experiences too and receive advice from those who have already been through it.
Since I\’m deeply interested in sexual psychology I spent some time in the recent months to read other\’s story, in the hope to learn something also about myself.
Understanding the “Libido” Categories
The first thing I learned in the forum, that there are four types of people, simplified but highly relevant categories:
- LLF – Low Libido Female
- LLM – Low Libido Male
- HLF – High Libido Female
- HLM – High Libido Male
Striking categories aren\’t they? Basically they help to quickly explain the type of the Reddit users who actually shares a story on the forum.
The categories of LLF, LLM, HLF, and HLM are not just labels; they serve as a framework for understanding the dynamics of sexual relationships. These categories help to identify the root causes of sexual imbalances in relationships, which can be a crucial first step in finding a solution.
LLF and LLM: The Low Libido Partners
Low libido can be influenced by a variety of factors, including stress, hormonal imbalances, or even past traumas. It\’s essential to understand that a low libido is not necessarily a permanent state; it can fluctuate due to life circumstances or even with age. The key is communication. Low libido partners often feel misunderstood or pressured, which can exacerbate the issue. Understanding and empathy from the high libido partner can go a long way in resolving the imbalance.
HLF and HLM: The High Libido Partners
High libido individuals often find themselves in a frustrating situation where their needs are not being met, leading to feelings of rejection or inadequacy. It\’s important for high libido individuals to understand that their partner\’s low libido is not a reflection of their attractiveness or worth. Patience and open dialogue are crucial here as well.
What Are Some Valuable Reads To Fix Your Sexual Life?
The Dead Bedroom Fix, by D.S.O (2020)
The author discusses the pervasive issue of “Dead Bedrooms,” or long periods of sexual inactivity, in marriages and how they often coincide with infidelity. Reflecting on his own experiences of a 15-year marriage that ended in divorce after discovering his wife\’s infidelity, he started a website and podcast aimed at helping men understand and improve their sex lives within long-term relationships. The website\’s most popular topic, as well as the most downloaded podcast episode, focuses on the “Dead Bedroom” problem. He argues that the decline in sexual intimacy is often not just a man\’s issue; wives want intimacy too, but sometimes look for it outside the marriage.
To address this problem, the author has developed a guide called The Dead Bedroom Fix, based on his own successful second marriage and the experiences of hundreds of other men. He claims that this guide is a straightforward, effective way to reignite intimacy in a marriage. His readers, many of whom have tried various other solutions to improve their relationships, overwhelmingly agree that his guide offers a no-nonsense approach to getting one\’s sex life back on track.
In “Sex Points,” Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, known as the “Queen of Vibrators” and the “Orthodox Sex Guru,” aims to dismantle common myths about sexual well-being and argues that a fulfilling sex life is a right for all women. Using her two decades of experience as a sex therapist, she introduces the Sex Points Assessment, a system designed to help women evaluate their sexual health in four key dimensions: pain, arousal, libido, and orgasm. This revolutionary tool allows women to identify what might be holding them back from experiencing a more fulfilling sex life.
The book addresses the complexities of women\’s sexual health by considering psychological, medical, and emotional factors. Far from reducing sexual health to lingerie and romantic getaways, “Sex Points” offers comprehensive advice on a range of topics: from choosing the right vibrator and understanding the role of hormones to rekindling lust and exploring taboo fantasies. With its holistic approach, the book aims to dispel misconceptions like the idea that diminished sex drive is natural or that pain during sex is to be expected, offering instead a multi-faceted guide to sexual wellness suited for women of all ages and life situations.
aims at helping couples reignite intimacy and resolve sexual desire discrepancies in their marriages. The book acknowledges that many couples feel like mere roommates and face challenges related to different levels of sexual interest, which often leads to feelings of frustration, guilt, and rejection. It cites a study stating that 80% of couples experienced a discrepancy in their desire for sex within the last month. The book promises to provide an in-depth look into sexless marriages, explore the multiple types of intimacy, and discuss causes of low libido. It also delves into issues beyond sexual intimacy, such as vulnerability, resentment, goal-setting, and knowing when it\’s time to call it quits in a relationship.
The book emphasizes that solutions are available, offering various actionable steps and exercises to overcome hurdles that might be threatening the relationship. Among the topics discussed are the importance of being intimate without necessarily having sex, understanding the underlying causes of decreased sexual desire, and the significance of being emotionally vulnerable with your spouse.
The book also covers how to let go of resentment and advises on setting goals to help get a derailed marriage back on track. By following the book\’s guidelines, the author assures that couples can rediscover the intimacy and connectedness they once enjoyed.
The book focuses on reigniting intimacy in marriages that may have grown stagnant or distant due to various life circumstances. Addressing issues many couples face—such as busy schedules, children, and health challenges—the book claims that these factors can lead to a lack of both emotional and sexual intimacy, potentially causing resentment, frustration, and even divorce. However, the author offer hope and practical solutions, sharing their own experiences of rekindling intimacy in their marriage. The book promises to provide actionable advice on overcoming intimacy issues, improving communication, and dealing with anxiety related to intimacy. It offers daily practices, conversation starters, and challenges aimed at strengthening the emotional and sexual bonds between spouses.
The goal is to provide couples with the tools they need to reconnect and grow together, without breaking the bank. With chapters focusing on emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy, the book addresses various aspects of marriage that are crucial for a fulfilling relationship. Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage is more than just a collection of tips, it presents a comprehensive approach that aims to change how couples relate to each other in a deep, meaningful way. The author stress that a marriage without emotional and sexual intimacy is likely to be unfulfilling, and their book aims to make intimacy a daily part of married life.
The Return of Desire, by Gina Ogden (2008)
In The Return of Desire, renowned sex therapist and researcher Gina Ogden delves into the issue of low sexual desire among women, a condition affecting 43% of American women according to a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Moving beyond medical explanations like hormones and drugs, Ogden emphasizes the psychological, emotional, and relational factors that can negatively impact desire. She bases her work on a national sex survey and years of clinical practice, aiming to provide a comprehensive understanding of the factors that reduce sexual desire.
The book is not merely diagnostic; it is also prescriptive, offering a multitude of insights, methods, and exercises to help individuals rekindle their sexual desire. Ogden focuses on four key energies that stimulate desire and advocates for open, heartfelt communication between partners. She encourages readers to move past societal norms and messages that stigmatize sexual desire, specifically targeting issues such as guilt, shame, and the notion that “good girls don\’t” experience sexual desire. The book also tackles the sexual trauma that stems from abuse, addiction, affairs, and low self-esteem, aiming to help women enjoy sexual pleasure at all stages of life.
No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG), by Dr. Robert A. Glover (2022)
In NMMNG the author dives into the concept of the “Nice Guy Syndrome.” Originally released as an e-book, this work gained significant attention, even sparking controversy. Dr. Glover defines this syndrome as the tendency to excessively prioritize pleasing others while neglecting one\’s own needs, ultimately leading to feelings of unhappiness and resentment. He argues that unfulfilled “Nice Guys” often channel their frustration towards their loved ones.
His comprehensive approach includes helping them establish emotional expression, satisfying sexual lives, embracing their masculinity, forming meaningful relationships with other men, and realizing their creative potential.
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido, by Michele Weiner Davis (2004)
Michele Weiner-Davis offers a compelling solution to the common problem of mismatched sexual desire in marriages. The book acknowledges the prevalence of this issue, estimating that one in three married couples grapple with it, and immediately appeals to those experiencing it. It promises a revitalization of intimacy and an end to sexual disagreements within the marriage. Through real-life accounts of couples who have faced and overcome sexual desire discrepancies, Weiner-Davis addresses every facet of this issue. If one partner has a higher sex drive, the book provides understanding and strategies to bridge the gap, shedding light on why pleas for physical closeness may have gone unanswered. For the partner with a lower libido, the book explores both physiological and psychological factors contributing to the issue, offering practical solutions to rekindle passion.
The Sex-Starved Marriage empathizes with readers, assuring them that they are not alone in their struggles. It delves into the intricacies of sexual desire discrepancies, even among men who may experience such issues despite physical functioning. By offering inspiration, encouragement, and actionable guidance, the book becomes a valuable resource for couples seeking to rekindle their intimate connection and transform their relationships. Michele Weiner-Davis\’s book aims to bring the spark back into bedrooms and marriages by providing a comprehensive understanding of the problem and a roadmap to rediscover passion and closeness.
Important Takeaways From Dead Bedroom Reddit Thread
Finally I wanted to collect some important takeaways that may give some insights into your sexual health journey.
Initial Passion Fades
The Honeymoon phase doesn\’t last forever, it\’s not uncommon for couples to experience a high level of intimacy and sexual activity in the initial stages of their relationship. This period, often referred to as the “honeymoon phase,” is characterized by passion, excitement, and a seemingly insatiable desire for one another. However, as one Reddit user pointed out, this phase can come to an abrupt halt. In her case, the passion dwindled after her boyfriend moved in with her. The boyfriend attributed his decreased libido to the stress of relocating, leaving his job, family, and friends behind. This serves as a reminder that external factors can significantly impact a relationship\’s sexual dynamics.
The Emotional Toll of Rejection
The emotional aspect of a relationship is just as important as the physical one. Some people express feeling emotionally hurt due to the lack of intimacy and the constant rejection from their partner.
This emotional strain can lead to a vicious cycle where the lack of physical intimacy exacerbates emotional distance, further reducing the likelihood of sexual activity.
Communication is Key but Complicated
In any relationship, communication serves as the cornerstone for understanding, trust, and intimacy.
However, when it comes to issues surrounding a lack of sexual intimacy, communication can become particularly complex. Both partners may find it challenging to articulate their feelings, concerns, and desires without triggering defensiveness, shame, or further emotional withdrawal from the other.
Sexual Life Is a Dealbreaker and Sometimes There Is No Option But Separate
Sexual compatibility is often considered one of the pillars of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. While love, trust, and mutual respect are undoubtedly important, a satisfying sexual life can be the glue that binds a couple together. However, when that aspect of the relationship becomes strained or non-existent, it can lead to a cascade of issues that may be insurmountable, even with the best of intentions from both parties.
Open Marriage Isn\’t a Solution
An open marriage isn\’t a good solution for not getting enough sexual tension from your partner, in most cases it is the first step for inevitable divorce. The majority of people suggest that open marriages are not a solution to marital problems but rather a symptom of deeper issues.
Temporary Separation
I need to emphasize the word “temporary” where the opportunity for the couple to reunite after a period of time is just as relevant option as separation.
In some cases, a temporary separation can create space for both partners to evaluate their desires and feelings. This can be an opportunity to reassess the relationship and decide on the best path forward.
Physical Health Isn\’t Something You Should Look Over
Sometimes medical conditions, medications, or hormonal imbalances can affect libido. Consult with a healthcare professional to rule out any underlying physical issues.
There are many marriages that were saved, where the problem was caused by a sneaky illnesses or poorly chosen contraceptive.
External Appearance Is Part of the Sexual Tension
External appearance is an integral component of sexual tension, laying the foundation for initial attraction.
Eternal appearance can be altered and improved to align with one\’s desires. Through fitness, fashion, grooming, and self-assurance, individuals can actively enhance their external appeal, intensifying the allure and contributing to the captivating chemistry of sexual tension. In essence, external appearance is not static but a flexible element that individuals can shape to amplify their magnetic pull in romantic connections.
Spice Things Up
Experimenting with new activities, fantasies, or role-playing in the bedroom can rekindle desire. Trying new things together can create excitement and intimacy.
But without strong grounds and honesty it won\’t work.
Scheduling Intimacy
While it may not sound romantic, scheduling intimate moments can help ensure that both partners prioritize sex. This approach takes pressure off spontaneous encounters and provides a predictable opportunity for connection.
There were couples who did this seriously and it worked even when sometimes they felt themselves as robots. In long term these new habits may have positive benefits for married couples, especially if they have kids.
Final Thoughts on Books about Healthy Sexual Life
The “Dead Bedroom” phenomenon is more common than most people think, and it\’s certainly not insurmountable. By understanding the categories of LLF, LLM, HLF, and HLM, couples can better understand their own dynamics and take the first steps towards finding a solution. Communication, professional help, and compromise are all valuable tools in rebalancing a sexual relationship. The most important thing is to approach the issue with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to adapt and grow together.
Read further books for healthy relationships.